Monthly Archives: June 2015

Crazy talk

I don’t post here as often as I probably should. It’s not that interesting things don’t happen to me on a daily basis, but they generally fall into three basic categories: 1) too trivial, 2) too upsetting and 3) stories that I can’t tell without sounding absolutely, completely nuts.

That’s why #3 is the most frustrating for me – particularly since most people would file these sorts of incidents under the first category. No, I take that back, most people wouldn’t find themselves in these situations at all and if they were they wouldn’t be affected by it nearly as deeply as I am which makes explaining them even harder.  Gah, I feel crazy just writing that, and I haven’t even gotten into any examples yet.

Yep, because I know dredging up said examples will only upset me and, trust me, it takes forever to calm myself down, despite repeatedly telling myself “I’m alright, it’s over, and I don’t care anymore” until my head literally feels like it’s going to explode but even then the constant auto-looping doesn’t stop…until something else happens and even then the previous incidents will pop up at seemingly random intervals with the same intensity as if they happening to me that very moment. Like I said: crazy talk.

God help me if I try to explain this – or anything else for that matter – to someone else. You know, someone who speaks normally and doesn’t have a 1.5 second sensory processing delay (which only confirms their assessment of my being “mentally retarded”). How are my communications skills going to improve if 2/3 of my conversations I have are me endlessly repeating the first line over and over again until the other person finally throws up their hands and says “You know what, just SHUT UP AND GO AWAY, YOU FUCKING RETARDED ASSHOLE!” Trust me, it’s a real self-esteem booster.

Thank god no-one’s cared about my self-esteem in years as that’s a concept only human beings get to indulge themselves in. I don’t know what people THINK I am, but any signs of happiness, confidence or humor are not to tolerated from me and as I’ve been repeatedly told by people that I am “NOT ALLOWED” [emphasis theirs] to question this. It doesn’t matter if it’s fair or not, they arbitrarily make my rules and I must follow them…“OR ELSE.” It’s like 50 Shades of Grey minus anything remotely resembling pleasure… and then these very same people invariably turn around and insult me for not enjoying not enjoying myself. Explain that to me.

In short, the problem comes down to no-one understands me. It’s not that I’m “emo” (though I’ve always been attracted to those kinds of guys), it’s just I’ve come to the sad conclusion that people don’t understand me because they don’t want to understand me. They see the guy with the twisted facial expression and their brain fills in the rest. It’s like the trainer in Pokémon Platinum tells her scientist husband after you beat them: “You know I’d rather not know what I don’t understand. It’s simpler that way.”

For some people anyway…the rest of us live in the real world.

Categories: Autism, editorials, ramblings | Leave a comment

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